Random stories and mishaps
by KD Beast Swag
Summary: Judging by the title and cover, I think your intelligent enough to see that this has absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter. So, this IS clickbait, but can't you help a homie out and show me some love. It'll be worth it. I post random fucked-up stories that is just for comedy and laughs. There wont be much of a plot, custom random shit. Warning: may contain sexual themes. JOKE!
1. Jefferson

Jefferson: The Beginning

In a land far far away, many many years ago… Syce Naw Bitch! In the land of Africa, a boy named Jefferson lived a strange life. Join us as you read the biography of an African boy named…. **Jefferson!**

Jefferson was a strange boy who lived an abnormal life. He was an orphan in African who lived in a rat and cockroach infested box. His parents died when we were abandoned him because he was ugly as hell and had stds. They died from eating Cocoa tomatoes( which is made out of: butter, vinegar, HiV, rusty pots, brown rice hash browns,five-spice powder, hot sauce, kiwi, mint, romaine lettuce, celery, soy sauce, ale honeydew melons, swordfish, English muffins,ice cream, granola, eel, eggplants, red snapper ,chambord and tomatoes, in other words pure diabetes and 1,000,000,000,000 kg of sugar.

**This BOLDED line will be used to tell some facts and discuss and the illogic sense in the story.**

**The hell! How the fuck do you get tomatoes from this recipe? How the hell do you get 1,000,000,000,000 kg of sugar if half if some of the ingredients are vegetables and fruits? HOW THE FUCK DOES AN EEL MAKE COCOA! If you are able to answer these questions you will get free access to write the next part of the story.**

Anyway, Jefferson lived in a rat pee stained, cockroach infested box. That box was the only thing that was left after his parents died and abandoned him. Heck, that was his father's will when he died. That ragged box was his home, his only home. His aunts, uncles and grandparents rejected him. God! He was so homeless and an orphan that even foster care and adoption centers didn't accept him. Besides he had a micropenis the size of 0.000000000000000000000000000000000001 cm. He also had HIV soo… Yeah. However, Jefferson did have an education, but he had no friends. He wore the same ragged, ripped shirt that read: _In Megamind We Trust_. And a soggy sand diaper. He got raped by the single men teachers and even got raped by wolves in the woods. Heck he even got raped by a fire hydrant, that fire hydrant had stds .But before we can get there , I just tell you how he education was somewhat successful. Jefferson could barely spell, heck he could barely write his name.

He once wrote an essay that sounded like this:

Miy (my) nam izs Jfersn… I llicke(like) to eate cocks (Cookies), butz I ammzr (I am) proor (Poor) and gts(gots) noaw (No) munieozes (Money). I lv in a boxxxx hseoue (House) and gtz noaw frnids (Friends). Byz byz.

It was sad, his handwriting was sloppy, too. The teachers and head master raped him for every mistake he wrote. During the years, Jefferson hadn't improve. Once he went home, he would hunt with the wolves who lived nearby but would end up getting raped by them after every hunt and also steal his food they'd hunted. His only friend was a rat who had HIV and spit Ebola! Instead, he had to eat bones and suck on leaves to stay hydrated. This was **TRULY** sad, but he kept doing this everyday, every month, every single year. Although Jefferson's life was **SHIT** he still had a will to live. His reason: Megamind. Megamind was his idol Jefferson always wanted to be like megamind. Although he couldn't afford the steroids he still had stds. Which is why I am telling you his story. He had no real shelter. He had to sleep, eat, play and relax in that small ass box. **I repeat** he had to sleep, eat, play, and relax in that **one** tiny space in the box. This had to be the saddest.

**Ok… So your telling me that WOLVES live in Africa?! Not hyenas, not lions, Wolves?! Wow!**

**Wait so his headmaster and the male teachers were gay? And raped him as a punishment for doing poorly at his works. School is suppose to be for learning, not sexual harassment? (HAHAHAHA! Get Recked Jefferson!)**

**Why does he still hunt with the wolves if he gets raped every time. Bruh, he is megalodon dumb!**

**Nobody has a 0.00000000000000000000000000000001 cm**

**size dick. That must be smaller than a cell!**

**No rat can spit ebola!Not a chance!**

**How the fuck do you eat, sleep, play, and relax in a box. Not a big one! The size of a Shoe box! TRULY, not possible.**

**How the fuck does he live off of bones, not a fucking chance?!**

**Why the fuck is there a fire hydrant in Africa? BRUH!**

_Remember if you can answer all of these questions, you will get free access to the next part of the story. Give this story a star and review your thoughts on it. Is it THAT funny. Give us your opinion. Note: this story is just a joke and is to be taken 's it for today. Bye! GN!_


	2. Grady

**Author's Note: Wow! I honestly thought no one was going to read this (then again I click-baited). 26 views! Let's try to aim for 5 views in this chapter. I hope you enjoy!**

**Like and follow this fan-fiction or ELSE… This bear will raid your home!**

"NO NO NO!" Grady cried with his trembling mouth.

He was crawling backward on all fours. A small rock on the side of the river came to his right hands grasp. He clinched to the rock as his last resort. He clenched his grip to the rock, slinging his arm from behind him. He threw the rock as hard as he could, with his quivering limbs.

He, unfortunately, missed the bear's face. He was doomed!

She took an immense leap forward. She gripped her sharp refined claws around Grady's scrawny calves. She forcefully lifted him off the dirty ground, causing him to squeal for help. She pulled his flimsy body towards her mouth as if he were a piece of candy.

Grady at this point was knocked out, he had gone unconscious. The bear mother widened her mouth revealing her deadly sharp teeth to Grady's lower thigh. She ripped his thigh into pieces.

IT found a boulder sized rock and shoved it up his ass. Grady screamed in pain.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He screamed so loud that it could be heard by a wealthy Asian eating his perfectly cooked rice on the other side of the world.

_3 hours earlier:_

Grady hated nature and his life. His fam was so poor that they spent most of their time outdoors than inside. They tried to pay less for their house bills, but according to the FBI, they are no charged both house and wilderness bills. They charged then for their campfires, tents, water they drank rivers and the **SAME** water they use to bathe and the amount of oxygen they get from trees. They had to pay in either hard labor, Extra hard Labor, Labor bots or rocks and wood.

DID i mention they lived in Texas!

Luckily they were intelligent to pay in wood and rocks, but did not have a high enough IQ to just go back to their original living styles.

Grady also had two brothers. A raccoon and a 2 year old bro. Jared (his bro raccoon) was born in a general hospital. When Grady's mom gave birth to a raccoon, the doctors were so confused and agreed to get rid of it. But the CIA did experiments on the raccoon giving it night vision, human abilities and rabies. Joesmama, Grady's two year old bro was born in the wild. His mother couldn't afford FREE healthcare and a bunch of animals helped deliver the baby. He now hunts for food.

Grady's dad told him to collect rocks and wood and put it in his truck. When he gathered the resources and placed them in the truck. A mama bear shoved him inside the truck and pushed him down a hill. The truck's wheels came off immediately as the truck went. Then the windows, frame engine and exterior came completely off. The seat was the only object to remain.

Grady was shocked at what he just witnessed.

"ROOOAAAARRRRRR!" the bear roared.

Grady was a dead boi.

Suddenly a hunter emerged from the shadows and a had a creepy smile on his face.

'_Oh great! Know i'm gonna get raped by a pedo and eaten by a bear!' Grady thought._

"Don't worry I'll save u!" The hunter said and pulled out his rifle

Unfortunately, he missed all his shots like a noob mobile Fortnite player who uses auto aim that waste ur bullets and live u ammo less. The bear Detroit smashed his ass to the moon where he got raped by escaped area 51 aliens.

Present:

Then, an explosion of blood covered the ground in red. The bear's face was concealed with Grady's blood. She shredded his thigh with her dominant bite.

Grady's eyes slowly opened, to witness what seemed to be his inevitable death. He wasn't sure of the scene, his eyes were fading. On the verge of death, he saw his leg get torn into two.

Just as the bear was going in for another attack, something unbelievable happened. _POW!_

It was a gunshot.

The bear's face exploded. One of her eyeballs flew and rolled over, inches away from her infant children. Her nose dissolved, she looked like a body without a head.

Grady was fully unconscious, so Jared, his raccoon brother with a shotgun, dragged him back to camp, leaving a long trail of blood following them. Jared put him down on a blanket, turning the blanket red with the blood of himself and the bear.

"DAD! MOM! HURRY UP! GET THE CAR!" Jared announced as loudly as he possibly could.

"The car got destroyed" Grady said.

Grady's family scurried him to the nearest hospital about (by foot) 70 miles away. Somehow, they made it. He would never walk nor be raped again, but at least he was alive.

"What happened to the little bear cubs?" he asked Jared, who was unaware of bear cubs even being there.

Grady demanded that Jared takes him back to the campgrounds in search of the innocent bear cubs. Jered refused at first, but Grady was extremely persistent. He wouldn't stop asking. So Jared granted his desperate wish.

Even though Grady wasn't able to walk, he desperately wanted to make sure the bear cubs were safe. Grady rode a wheelbarrow the forest, slowly approaching the exact location where everything happened. They peeked from behind a tree. And what they saw was disgusting, they were panic-stricken.

There were three rotting bear bodies. The Cubs had no source of food and weren't old enough to hunt. They died in the same location their mother did. A sickening odor surrounded the bodies. They all were drained of life, infested with maggots, eating each and every part of their guts.

A single tear slithered down Grady's disgusted face. As they were about to turn their heads back to go home, it happened.

_The left bear cub dove from the trees. _

_Rotating his head to his back making direct eye contact with Grady._

_It charged towards them. __**POW! **_

_**Fatality! **_

_**PLZ Review, Share and Follow! Peace!**_


	3. Lucy

**Author's Note: Okay! I actually didn't want ONLY 5 views for the last chapter! But sometimes people take things to literal. Anyway, these stories are just for comedy and jokes. NOT to be taken seriously! Hope you enjoy!**

**Like and follow this fan-fiction or ELSE… Your parents will make you sleep in your closet. **

Lucy was screwed! She rushed towards her grimey apartment, whilst being chased by a pack of vicious dogs. It wasn't the dogs that worried her. But instead her dad.

If she didn't come home by 3:00, after school had closed, she would be **SEVERELY** punished! By her dad of course. The thing is, Lucy's school ended at **EXACTLY** at 3. What bullahit! Her dad had no specific reason to why she wanted her home at 3. However, Lucy obeyed her father's instructions.

Maybe, because it was because of her own safety. Or maybe, he wanted her to be the same depressing, homophobic person he was.

Speaking of which, her dad was… **100000% Sped!  
**Her dad was an alcoholic G-Fuel, gamer. He constantly played games such as : Fortnite, Minecraft and his personal favorite, Calculator! The game where you play on your computer's calculator. His favorite character was 5. He also had an obsession with G-Fuel, drinking it every game. These were the reasons why he was divorced and left Lucy under his care. Now his wife is accompanied with another family, enjoying her current life.

Unfortunately, for him, he wasn't a good gamer. He would only be able to record a 30 seconds of gameplay and owned a Windows XP. barely earning enough money for rent. His games would lage so much, that his CPU would catch fire and his monitor smoked. He was that trash that he was so poor that he couldn't even afford the DEFAULT skins on Fortnite and Minecraft. He was that garbage that he downloaded his games at a website called .

Lucy arrived at her home at 3:05. Dead meat!

"Honey! You came home at 3:05. You know what that means! **NO! DINNER!**" her father yelled.

"_Great_," Lucy thought.

"Go get your food from Mr. Fuckbot! Okay!" her father instructed.

Lucy hated when her dad said that. They had an abundance of food in the fridge, but her father used it for his longass gameplays.

Did I mention they lived in New York?

Did I mention that he drinks 10 gallons of G-Fuel everyday?

Did I mention their home had **ONLY** one room?

Did I mention his mic and camera were made of cardboard?

was such a bot. No, not really! He was just that gay Superintendent of the of the building. He was a tall, scruffy, 50 year old man with a humangadunga belly. Overall he was okay.

He would share his soggy, brown ramen noodles with her, which tasted as bad a the school cafeteria food. But hey, it was **edible**! When she was done, she went back home. Her dad was too busy playing calculator! She went to sleep in the closet. Yes, her closet!

3 hours later

"Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!" her dad yelled as he shook her violently.

"What!?" she asked.

"I just got free tickets to Hawaii on a website called " . C'mon pack your things!"

Lucy's eyes widen!

"_Oh know! I'm screwed!_" Lucy thought.

_**PLZ Review, Share and Follow! Peace!**_


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